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4 October 2022

How to help your child overcome separation anxiety

By Crawford International

It’s a normal part of childhood, but one that leaves parents the world over with remorse. Here’s how to deal with it.

 

It’s school drop-off time and you’re absolutely dreading it! Visions of the daily round of tears, your little one clinging desperately to your legs, as the chirpy teacher tells you, “they’ll be fine,”. And as you walk your child to the gate it all happens and then you have to crawl back to the car fighting back your own tears and getting ready to face your day. It's a chaotic, guilt-ridden scene, but one that most parents are very familiar with. And it all comes down to separation anxiety.

 

What is separation anxiety?

While it usually makes you feel like a terrible parent, separation anxiety is actually a good thing! It’s a sign of an important developmental milestone because your child is beginning to realise that they’re a separate being from you, and they’re starting to feel the difference between the familiar and unfamiliar. Separation anxiety usually starts around eight months and resolves between two and three years, peaking at 12 to 18 months.

 

Separation anxiety actually served a very important function in human evolution, because it helped to keep vulnerable children close to the people who would protect them from a dangerous world in pre-history. What’s more, separation anxiety still protects children from threats in the modern world. When you’re out and about, you want your children close to you so that you can keep them safe.

 

But knowing it’s normal doesn’t help you, or your child, feel better. The key in dealing with separation is in helping your child – and you – identify what is and isn’t a threat. And if something isn’t a threat, then let go of the anxiety. The most common causes of separation anxiety are being around unfamiliar people or in unfamiliar places, and the biggest cause being when you or a loved caregiver leaves the child (whether you leave them behind in a familiar situation or in a new environment).

 

Your parental instinct will always be to help your child fix things when they’re distressed or crying, but helping them work through the distress and anxiety, teaching them coping skills and getting through this phase instead of just ‘fixing it’ helps them become more resilient, more independent, and each separation a little easier. Here's how to help.

 

Don’t brush off their anxiety

Your child’s feelings and experience of separation anxiety are very real. Acknowledge their feelings so that they know it’s okay. Say something like, “I know you’re going to have fun at school today, but it’s alright to miss me too. I will be fetching you after story time and then you can tell me all about your exciting day.” Try to help your child understand that the time away from you is only temporary and is nothing to worry about.

 

Keep goodbyes short and sweet

Always say goodbye to your child, never sneak away or disappear. But keep in mind that prolonging your goodbye and lingering before you leave only reinforces the idea that there’s something to be worried about in your child’s mind. So say a quick goodbye and then leave – don’t go back for any extra hugs. Your child’s cries will end sooner than you think, but only after you have left.

 

Have a goodbye ritual

Work a special routine into that quick goodbye – something that you and your child do every single time it’s time for you to leave. This could be anything from something you say at every single goodbye to a special handshake and hug. This will help to create something familiar to bridge the transition from being without you to being with you.

 

Help them feel safe

If you’re out in a strange place, whether it’s a public space or just an unfamiliar environment at a party or gathering, let your child stay with you for as long as they need to. Don’t push them to interact with others without you.

 

Then, once they are comfortable and playing with others, keep an eye on them. Be ready to go to them and soothe them if they have any falls, or get upset. Leaving them to their own devices will only push them beyond their current limits – it’s about helping them find independence, and offering them support while they do this. And if you have to stand by your tot’s side the whole time, then that’s fine. Every social outing enables them further and helps them feel less anxious, it will get better over time.

 

Bedtime routine helps

Knowing what to expect every night not only helps your child transition into bedtime, but it also helps them realise that they can be without you in other situations too. So start a bedtime ritual and do it every night – have a bath, then read a story, play soothing music in the background or use a white noise machine. Make sure they have their ‘lovey’ with them. This and the sound will help the quiet in the room feel less obvious when you leave. It’s also a good idea not to rush to their rescue when they wake up from naps. Give them some time to wake up, keep themselves busy, and spend some time on their own.

 

When to get help

If your child is still experiencing separation anxiety into early primary school, if their separation anxiety starts to interfere with everyday life, or if their previously resolved separation anxiety rears up again, speak to your pediatrician.

 

Read more helpful Crawford International parenting blogs here.